I wrote and posted an entry last night, but it's not here.

I haven't written here in a while.

I'm not sure why, because I've been filled with all my usual cranky, angsty, roller coaster-type emotions.

I have been blocked, sort of, recently. But I think that's because I was carrying on this relationship of sorts and not talking about it in my other diary, when I talk about everything else. But now that I've "come out" about it, I'm hoping that it's not so difficult to come up with words to put on this screen.

My friend from the last entry and I have talked, and things are much better. And that is a huge relief for me, because I hate not talking to friends, and having tension of any kind. I know that she only said the things she did about Married Guy because she's been in a similar situation, and she was trying to save me from possible heartbreak. So we've reconciled, and while she may not agree completely, her support is there - and that's really what I care about.

Things with Married Guy (I guess I should change his name now, since he's sans wife, now) are in a good place. A pretty fucking scary place, but a good one. I'll explain.

He is coming to visit me next month. After all these months of talking, and getting to know each other, and developing these feelings for one another, I finally get to find out if we'll get along as well together as we do with an entire country in between us.

And I have to confess, I'm scared. I'm excited, but I'm so nervous that sometimes I feel like I'm going to throw up (real healthy, I know). I am a nervous person by nature, and I can't help but worry that when he gets here he'll somehow be disappointed in me, or he won't think I'm pretty, or he'll think I'm too fat, or he'll regret his decision to waste his time and money coming here. I fucking hate that about myself. I hate that I am wasting my energy on this when I should be excited, and happy that there is a man who thinks enough of me to fly across the country to meet me.

And I am happy. Fuck, I'm happier than I have been in a long time (I still have my bitchy moments, though). In spite of my worries that Married Guy is not going to be into me when we meet, my confidence in myself has increased quite a bit in the last few months, and I'm less freaked out by the general public than I used to be.

My social anxiety is almost never a problem these days. I have gone to two concerts in the last three months. Two years ago, I would have been having a massive panic attack being crammed (and 120 pounds heavier, I would have REALLY been crammed) into a seat with 20,000 people around me in an enclosed space. But that's not even a problem anymore. In fact, I don't even think about it when I'm in those situations, which is a huge improvement for me.

I'm really getting over my fear of flying - not entirely, but I'm getting there. For the first time in - I can't remember how long - I'm considering going places I wouldn't have even thought about for a second. And the idea of being on an airplane doesn't make me feel like I'm going to pass out. Of course, it could all go to hell the minute I actually have to get on one, but I'll take that chance.

I feel like my life is about to go in a whole new direction.

And I can't wait.