In my last entry, I lamented over my casual dismissal real friends, but my need to hold on to people and/or things that infuriate me and stress me out. I also mentioned a person in particular, who was the reason I had been feeling this way recently.

After not having spoken with her in months, I sent her a brief email to congratulate her (she got married on Sunday) and wish her well on her new marriage. I didn't do it with the intent of reviving our friendship (though the thought had crossed my mind), I did it because she was my friend once, and I really do wish her happiness, and I thought it was the right thing to do.

The reply that I got back hurt me. Partly because some of it is true, but mostly maybe I had hoped that she would say something nice back, and maybe we could go from there. But... no.

There was much more than this, but this is the part that's needling me right now:

You should have known that no matter what my opinion was about [Married Guy] OR the wasted hours I thought you were pouring into that journal and those people, writing things Television Without Pity (and Salon.com and GoFugYourself and a thousand other sources) had already said better... I would always have stood by you. I would always have supported you. You think my friends and I always agree with what the other is doing? Of course not, but we don't bail on each other. Not ever.

Then she goes on to say that she misses me, and that if I want to work on repairing our friendship, she is willing to do so.

Hmmmm. First she tells me that my writing in my other journal is crap, and that a bunch of other people do it better, then she insults the people who read that journal (many of whom I now consider to be good friends), then says she misses me.

What the fuck?

I have never claimed to be a writer (uh, OBVIOUSLY), and I don't have a blog in the hope that someone is going to find it and think I'm some kind of goddamned genius and then I'm going to run off and become a huge star.

DUH.

The point of keeping this journal online is to talk about what's on my mind. The point of the other journal is to see if I can be funny, and to share the funny (ok, sometimes funny) things that happen around me, and hopefully meet some interesting people along the way.

I don't know. I feel really hurt right now, for some reason. Maybe I'm an asshole, and I deserve it for just ending our friendship. Maybe I'm a big baby and can't take criticism. Maybe she's right, and I just won't accept it. Maybe she's wrong, and doesn't understand me or what I'm trying to do with myself right now. Maybe I'm really fucking tired of trying to figure out the people around me and what the hell is going on in their heads.

Maybe I'm just really fucking tired, period.