I have been afraid (AFRAID) of flying for about the last fifteen years. At one point, I was so petrified, if I even had to drive by LAX, I felt ill.

And when 9/11 happened, forget about it. I was resigned to NEVER fly ever again.

But, in the last few years, I have been really trying to work and convince myself that it is not rational to be afraid of something that, statistically, is less likely to kill me than my car is. And it's not easy, I'll tell you that.

Even with all the convincing I tried to do to myself, the fear was still there.

I saw that movie "Under The Tuscan Sun", and I fell in love with the landscape of Tuscany, and decided that if I never see Italy, I will truly be missing out on something spectacular.

And, as my weight started coming off (of course, I didn't make this connection until about two weeks ago), I noticed that I was less and less paniced when I saw planes flying low, or I was near the airport.

Suddenly, the idea of being on an airplane didn't paralyze me with fear.

I suppose the idea of Married Guy living 3000 miles away probably had something to do with it, too, because if he can't come here, I'd have to go there.

But that's neither here nor there (fuck me, I'm clever).

I realized that I really do think my weight was the big fear in me flying. The fear that I wouldn't fit in the seat, or I'd be charged for two, or the seatbelt wouldn't fit, and I'd have to ask for an extender. Those were all humiliations I didn't want to deal with, so I didn't.

And I guess my fucked up brain made up its own excuses for why I was afraid, because now, 120 pounds lighter, I am really starting to think about flying.

That's not to say I'll be jumping on a plane tomorrow. HELL NO. Baby steps, people.

I'm just considering it. Which is not something I would even do before.

I can't believe how my weight created so much anxiety for me. I mean, I let it run my life for a long time.

Not only did it make me sullen, and angry towards nearly the entire world, but I missed out on a lot of things because I was so riddled with social anxiety.

I refuse to live that way any longer.