She got put in the ground the same day I was born. Nice coincidence.

I sure miss her.

So, not surprisingly, my birthday is not necessarily something I look forward to, especially not this year. This is the first birthday since I was eleven that I won't have my friend John to celebrate with (his birthday is the 30th).

The only thing I looked forward to on my birthday was trying to figure out what the horribly inappropriate gift would be, and what raunchy and embarrassing thing he would write on the card to the bouquet of flowers he always sent to me at work.

I miss him so much some days that it hurts, and I just cry. I feel selfish for behaving this way, given how terrible his last few months were, but I can't help it.

He was like a part of me.

Married Guy sent me a card and a lovely gift this week, which I was not expecting, but gladly accepted.

We had a scary, intense few days where I let him know exactly what was on my mind, and ended up hurting him (and myself), and making him feel worse than he already did about certain things going on in his life. And, as much as I hate to have hurt him, those things needed to be said. I can't sit and pretend everything's ok for me when it's not, and I had held it in so long that I just... erupted.

I didn't realize just what my feelings were, or how strong those feelings were, until I was faced with the possibility of never speaking to him again. It scared me, that I had given so much of myself to something that, in effect, wasn't real. I mean, as much as we've communicated through hundreds of emails, and hours and hours and hours on the phone, the fact of the matter is, I've never actually seen this man in person. How could I invest so many feelings in something with 3000 miles in between?

Not to mention an estranged spouse.

Bah.

More fucking hurricanes.