My feelings have been on the edge lately. Big time. I am still trying to figure out how I am supposed to live without my friend John, my hormones are a roller coaster (I don’t know if they’re shifting around with the weight loss or what, but it’s driving me nuts), and I’ve gotten myself involved in this online romance that is confusing the fuck out of me.

This guy has every road block imaginable in front of him. He’s 3000 miles away. He’s considerably older than me. He’s married (please save the comments admonishing me for this. I already know). It started innocently enough when he added me as a favorite. I started reading his journal, and realized that we had a ton of stuff in common, so we started emailing each other. About music, and movies, and family, and eventually, it took a turn, and suddenly we were talking about dissatisfaction (relationship-wise) in our own lives, and then we were discussing very personal and intimate things.

In the beginning, I was 100% sure he would not leave the state he lives in, or his wife, for that matter. Even though their marriage is empty, and angry, and lacking any romance, or friendship, or intimacy of any kind, he wasn’t going anywhere. He made comments to me, and in his own journal about wanting to get out, but I knew if he hadn’t by now, he wasn’t going to.

But, the more we talk, he makes comments here and there that lead me to believe something could come of this. I haven’t asked him outright, probably because I am afraid of what the answer will be.

After John died, with my feelings and hormones raging, I sent him an email admitting to him for the first time that my feelings were involved. It was something I regret now, and should have kept to myself, but I didn’t. What came after that was an amazingly difficult conversation we had via instant message, which is about the WORST way to try and have an important talk with someone, since you can’t hear the tone of typed words.

We email each other back and forth every day, chat online on nights when he’s at work, and we usually talk on the phone about once a week. My interactions with him have become something that I need, and something I depend on. I’m not in love (I have always said that for me, I couldn’t fall in love with someone I’ve never actually met and spent time with). There is just a lot of attraction and mutual respect for one another. And, he gets something from me that he doesn’t get at home. And, for now, I get something from him that I am not getting in my own personal life, either.

I am not sure what my feelings are at this point. I have told him that it’s just a crush, and I am pretty sure that’s what it is, but who the fuck knows. Like I said, I am a basket case with the feelings recently.

I can’t deny that I like him, and I am attracted to him, despite all of the circumstances involved. He is an artist, and a poet. He’s smart, and passionate about things that matter. And, he’s insanely sexy. He says things to me that blow my mind, and drive me crazy (in the best possible way). I just can’t get enough of him and his words.

Bah. I hate this. I am a smart girl, and I should know better than to get myself wrapped up in these sort of things, but it happened so fast, that I didn’t stop it, and now, here I am. I feel like a fool for letting this happen. I feel stupid that people who read this, and think I am an intelligent girl, are going to realize I’m not too bright in the falling for unavailable men department.

I probably shouldn’t post this.