Mostly, the biggest thing on my mind is the fact that I am still in a relationship that exists on separate coasts. I thought that by now we would be in a better place. I thought that by now we would be talking about a future together, and living in the same state (if not together). I thought that all of this fucking longing, and impatience, and question would be over, and it's not.

I have doubts in my mind about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. If I'm wasting my time on someone who doesn't love me (or perhaps himself) enough to make a decision and do something. Because he was raised in an entirely different culture than I was (I had no idea our worlds could be so different and still be living in the same country). No one ever told him that he was better than the shitty existence he grew up around. That he could make more of himself, and have a better life than living out in the country with people who have no money, no teeth, and four divorces under their belt. I wonder if I'm waiting for something only to be disappointed in the end. That I will wake up and realize that we are too different, that our age gap is too big, and that he won't fit into the life that I have here. Sometimes I think that's not fair to him. Because I am the one who let this relationship develop the way that it has, knowing that when we started talking (though we did start out just as friends) he was still technically married, older than me, and living three thousand miles away.

I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted. I've waited almost two years, and he's still married. He's in the process of divorcing, but he's still fucking married.

After his last visit in September, I knew that I was not going to be able to wait three or four or five more months to see him again. As afraid of the thought as I was, I looked at flight information, and told him that I was willing to come to him, since it only seemed fair that I incur some of the travel burden. But I was turned down. He said that because he was in the process of a divorce, and because he lived in such a small community, a female visitor would be news, and that it could potentially make the divorce process more difficult. I was hurt. And for the first time, I felt like he was ashamed of our relationship, and that he was trying to hide me. And I got really angry for a while, until my best friend reminded me that even though he'd been to see me three times, I was hiding him, too. I went to great lengths to make sure that my parents did NOT find out about him. Even though all my friends knew (and he met my two best friends and their son), I didn't want my parents to know. When he was here in June, my dad showed up unexpectedly at my place to collect my rent (he owns my apartment complex), and I jumped up off the couch and ran to the door before he could see Scott sitting there. After a few minutes, my dad left, and Scott felt terrible.

And as bad as he felt, I still didn't want to tell them. I felt like they would freak out when they found out I was involved with a man as old as my mother, who was married, and who I met online. My thought was that I wasn't going to tell them until there was something to tell - that he was moving out here, that we were moving forward. But my best friend ended up telling them on New Year's Eve, and so I spilled the whole story to them - and they were surprisingly open to it. I don't know if they were just holding back their real feelings, or if they just want me to be happy like they said, but they've been pretty supportive so far.

After he found out my parents knew about him, he decided that he did not want to come back out here until he was divorced, because he didn't want my parents to think he was some sleazy old guy looking for a good time. And that meant that his scheduled trip during the week of Valentine's Day was cancelled, and I didn't know when I'd see him again, because this fucking divorce seems to be taking forever.

He's been going through some particularly hard times at home, and I guess he realized my parents don't think of him the way he thought, so he made plans to come out in March. But now, because of a lack of double-checking things at work on my part (which is bullshit, and makes me want to leave my job more than ever), we have to postpone it. His vacation schedule and mine are sometimes hard to match up, and now I won't see him until at least April. I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE SEPTEMBER. I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. It is physically painful to want to be with someone so badly and not be able to. It is excruciating.

I have done it for this long because I believe that we are working toward something, and that we will be together when he gets his life in order at home. He has said as much to me, but a little part of me thinks that he's perhaps subconsciously finding little landmines that go off and stall his progress, because he's afraid to leave what he's known his entire life. And I can't say that I blame him entirely - I don't think I could just pack up and leave the place I've lived my whole life, to a place I'm unfamiliar with, and where I only know one person. HOWEVER, knowing that I'm going to be with someone that I am in love with would certainly help to ease the transition, I would think.

One day I'm incredibly optimistic and hopeful about our future, and the next day I wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I have a little timeline in my mind now, and I've made the decision that if, by a certain time, we are not in a place where we are in a REAL working relationship, something's going to change. I love him, and the idea of not having him in my life kills me, but I have to think about myself, and the time and energy I've already invested in us, and decide if it's worth it or not. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I don't know.

There is a reason I wrote here. Because I want it to stay HERE.